Bigfoot Turns Down Both Parties’ Endorsements, Says He’s Busy

Both major parties reached out to the Bigfoot campaign this week. One sent a letter. The other sent a text, then four more texts, then a text asking why we hadn’t answered the first five.

He hasn’t called either of them back.

“He appreciates the interest,” a campaign spokesperson said. “He’s just busy. He has a whole forest to look after, and frankly, he’s seen how both of them treat the people who do pick up.”

What they offered

We can’t share the details. We can say that each party explained, at some length, that the other party would be a disaster for the country. Both used the phrase “most important election of our lifetime.” One of them spelled “Sasquatch” wrong.

Where he stands

He doesn’t belong to either party and has no plans to. The campaign’s position is simple. If you’re tired of choosing which side lets you down less, there’s a third option, and he’s about eight feet tall.

You can read what he’d change, or skip ahead and pledge your vote.

He did keep the letter. We think he’s using it as a coaster.