The Platform
What Bigfoot would do as president
He’s spent a long time watching both parties from behind a tree. Here’s what he’d change.
01 Environment
Protect the Forests
Keep them the way he found them.
He’s lived in the woods longer than anyone, and he’d like them to stay put. That means protecting the old-growth forest we have left and taking wildfire seriously. It also means no new strip malls where the good berries are.
The Plan
- Protect every old-growth forest we have left.
- Put real money into wildfire prevention.
- Any new building near a forest gets reviewed at dusk, by someone who didn’t see anything.
02 Privacy
Ban Trail Cameras
He calls it the Right to Be Blurry.
There are millions of motion cameras strapped to trees out there, taking pictures of whoever walks by. Mostly deer. Sometimes him. He’d like it to stop, and he won’t budge on this one.
The Plan
- Ban trail cameras on public land.
- If you already have one, leave it at the edge of the woods, face down. No questions asked.
03 Elections
Lesser of Two Evils Reform
Why settle for the lesser evil when you can vote for the big guy?
Every election, both parties tell you the other side is a disaster and that this is the most important vote of your life. Then both of them ask you for money. He thinks you’ve heard this pitch enough times.
The Plan
- Ban the phrase “most important election of our lifetime.” It’s been said every four years since about 1800.
- Any campaign that texts you after 9 p.m. is disqualified.
- Add a line to every ballot: “Neither. Try again.”
04 Infrastructure
Fix the Trails
Roads are for people who want to be found.
We spend a fortune on highways and almost nothing on the little trails that actually go somewhere nice. He’d fix that, starting with the ones that aren’t on any map.
The Plan
- Repair every fallen-log bridge in the country.
- Pave nothing.
05 Economy
Berries First
An economy you can pick by hand.
His own finances are simple. He eats what he finds, owes nobody, and has never had a credit card. He thinks the country could learn from that, especially in a bad huckleberry year.
The Plan
- Start a national berry reserve for the lean seasons.
- Tax breaks for small businesses more than a mile from the nearest road.
- The campaign only takes berries. We’re told that counts as getting money out of politics.
06 Government
Open Government (for Everyone Else)
At least he’s upfront about it.
Every campaign promises an open, honest government. Bigfoot is all for it. He just won’t be taking part himself, and he’d rather tell you now than later.
The Plan
- Livestream every hearing in Congress, in focus.
- Ban fundraising emails with fake “RE:” subject lines.
07 Health
Full Coverage
He’s been covered head to toe his whole life.
He wants everyone to feel that secure, fur optional. His health plan starts with a long walk outside, which he thinks is badly underrated.
The Plan
- One long walk a week, fully covered.
- More money for rural clinics.
- A study on why phone cameras stop working at exactly the wrong moment.
08 Foreign Policy
Quiet Diplomacy
Speak softly and leave a very big footprint.
He gets along fine with Canada. They share a long border and a lot of trees. He’d also like to open talks with the Yeti, off the record.
The Plan
- Keep the northern border mostly trees.
- Hold a summit with the Yeti at a location to be announced never.
09 Debates
Debates
He’ll be there. You won’t see him.
He plans to show up to every debate and stand just past where the stage lights reach. Moderators can ask him anything. He’ll answer the way he always does: a long silence, and maybe a branch snapping somewhere.
The Plan
- Hold the debates outside, around dusk.
- No split screens. There’s nothing to split.
Like what you (almost) see?
He won’t show up in any polls, so pledges are how we show he has support. Add your name and your state.