Bigfoot Announces He’s Running for President. Nobody Was There to See It.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Bigfoot is running for president.

He made the announcement at dawn, somewhere in the woods. We handed out press passes but, in fairness, no directions. By the time reporters found the spot, the podium was on its side and there was one very large footprint in the mud. He was long gone.

“He showed up, said what he came to say, and left before it got weird,” said a campaign spokesperson, who asked us not to use their name. “We think that’s leadership.”

What he’s running on

The short version: leave the forests alone, get rid of the trail cameras, and never get caught. The longer version is in the platform.

How to vote for him

This part is tricky. Writing him in probably won’t count, and the FAQ explains why. What you can do is pledge your vote and add your state to the count.

He didn’t take questions. He did take a picnic basket, which turned up about a mile downhill.

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